Tan and white dog lying on sofa looking at camera

The Trust Factor: How To Tell If Your Dog Respects You

How do you tell if your dog respects you? I have a better question for you. How do you tell if your dog trusts you? Or even, do your actions show that you respect your dog?

Think about your interactions with your dog. Do you use positive reinforcement and reward good behavior, or do you resort to fear and punishment to get compliance?

A dog who trusts her owner will listen and respond to cues, but more importantly, will feel comfortable and safe enough to relax in their presence.

So, ask yourself, does my dog feel safe with me? Can she relax and be herself around me? Do I treat her with kindness and fairness?

What does respect mean?

Let’s start by asking what we mean when we ask if our dog respects us.

Do we mean that she has good manners and doesn’t jump up on people or rush through the door ahead of you when she’s been asked to wait? That she comes back when called? That she sits politely and waits for her food?

Or are we angling at some sort of old-fashioned leader of the pack/top dog/alpha dog scenario?

Looking at some of the popular articles on the web discussing the concept of respect in dogs, unfortunately, it seems to be the latter.

I’m going to be honest, I couldn’t believe some of the stuff I read.

Apparently, if your dog keeps trying to sit on top of you, walks away when you speak to her, tries to steal your food, pushes through doorways before you, ignores your cues, and pees in the house, it means she doesn’t respect you.

Conversely, if your dog listens to you, follows you around the house, brings you her toys in an effort to win your approval, and breaks eye contact before you, it, allegedly, means she does respect you.

Oh please! What a load of old nonsense. None of this has anything to do with a dog’s respect.

This is all about showing dominance to your dog, being the pack leader, being the alpha dog, showing your dog who’s boss, making her “obey” your “commands” at all costs, and engaging in some sort of inappropriate power struggle, all concepts that have been completely rejected by scientific research and yet continue to do harm and create a myriad of misunderstandings between dogs and dog owners today.

White pitbull cross dog lying on woman
All 80 pounds of Maggie is lying on me here, not because she doesn’t respect me or wants to “dominate” me but because she trusts me and wants to get up close and personal © The Cat and Dog House

Dogs’ cognitive ability

The Oxford Learners’ Dictionary defines ‘respect’ as follows:

  1. A strong feeling of approval of somebody/something because of their good qualities or achievements.
  2. Polite behavior towards or care for somebody/something that you think is important.

Do dogs have the cognitive ability for such complex thought processes? Much as though we love and adore them, as far as we know so far, they do not.

“Respecting someone means understanding how your behavior affects others,” explains renowned dog trainer Victoria Stilwell. “This is called ‘Theory of Mind’ and means you have to have a highly developed cerebral cortex and an advanced cognitive ability to understand how your behavior influences others.

“Dogs do not have as complex or as advanced a cerebral cortex as humans do, so are unlikely to understand the complexity of human relationships, influences and negotiations.”

Dogs and humans: The trust factor

So let’s look at all this from another angle.

Instead of asking yourself how to tell if your dog respects you, ask yourself if she trusts you. That’s a far better place to start because dogs respecting us just isn’t really a thing.

It also helps to try to enter the canine world and see things from your dog’s perspective.

So going back to some of the claims made above, let’s look at them in this way instead:

  • If your dog rushes through doorways it’s because she’s eager to see what’s outside and hasn’t been trained to wait.
  • If she sits on top of you it’s because she wants to be close to you.
  • If she pulls on the leash it’s because she’s so excited to see what’s coming next and because she hasn’t been trained not to pull.
  • If she tries to steal your food, well that’s just dogs being dogs and, again, a lack of training.
  • If she breaks eye contact with you first it’s more likely to be because staring is considered hostile in the world of canine communication.
  • If she follows you around the house she may be feeling insecure or have separation anxiety. Or she may just want to stay close to you.
  • If she pees in the house, she may be marking because she feels insecure and wants to surround herself with her own scent. Or she may have a health issue that needs to be checked out by a vet.

    Our Lennox, who spent several years living on the street, just didn’t understand that he could pee in some places but not others. We had to teach him that peeing outdoors is okay but peeing indoors is not.

None of these behaviors have anything to do with respect. They are all to do with good training, how she feels at the time, and what is motivating her. These aspects are expressed in your dog’s behavior.

“Dogs simply don’t think in terms of respect,” says dog trainer Tim Steele. “They think of ‘this works/this doesn’t work’ and ‘that’s safe/that’s unsafe.’ 

“Dogs behave to create a consequence they want (works and safe) or to avoid one they don’t (a waste of effort or unsafe). In the end, it really comes down to these motivations.”

“The better question is whether your dog loves you or not,” adds Angelica Steinker, accredited dog trainer and behavior consultant and founder/owner of the Courteous Canine Inc., in Lutz, Florida.

“Fear and pain elicit groveling, many people sadly confuse groveling and appeasing with respect. The ideal question is how can I treat my dog with respect? Dogs are beings, not objects, and thus deserve to be treated with our unconditional love and respect.”

Black dog with bushy tail standing in forest
Lennox didn’t realize that peeing in the house was an undesired behavior when we first adopted him, so we had to teach him. This had nothing to do with a lack of respect on his part and everything to do with his early life experience of living on the street © The Cat and Dog House

How do I know if my dog trusts me?

1. She makes eye contact

If your dog makes and maintains eye contact with you, it is a good sign she’s comfortable around you and is not feeling threatened.

Research also suggests that dogs can look at human faces and use that information to communicate and ask for help (Miklósi et al., 2003).

Additionally, pay close attention to your dog’s body language and facial expressions. A dog that trusts you will likely have a relaxed body posture and facial expression.

Dogs will often avoid eye contact with people they do not trust, as they see this as a sign of hostility.

2. She likes to be near you

If you walk into a room and your dog happily follows you or comes to greet you, it is a good sign you have her trust and she feels safe being around you.

Again, watch her body language. If she’s moving in a loose, bouncy way with a wagging tail, then she’s happy to see you.

On the other hand, if your dog hangs back or seems hesitant to get too close, it may be a sign that she does not yet trust you.

In this case, her body language will be stiff, with the ears back. She’ll be avoiding eye contact and her tail might be tucked under.

(Note, if she follows you absolutely everywhere and is scared to be left alone then she may be struggling with separation anxiety, a very common issue in dogs. In which case, she will need the help of a separation anxiety specialist. I’ll list my recommendations at the end of this post*.)

3. She seeks physical contact

If your dog allows you to pet her or even just sit close to her, it is a good sign that she feels comfortable with you and trusts you.

On the other hand, if your dog flinches or moves away when you try to touch her, it may be an indication of fear or that she doesn’t yet trust you.

Additionally, if your dog leans into your touch or puts her head in your lap or paw on you, it means she’s relaxed and happy when she’s around you and feels safe in your presence.

4. She seeks out your attention

Dogs are very intuitive creatures, and they can pick up on our emotions quite easily.

If your dog comes to you for attention and to be petted, again it is a good sign she enjoys your company and trusts you.

But if she avoids contact with you or seems nervous when you approach her, she’s not yet ready to engage.

It’s best to let her come to you in her own time so she can learn she’s safe with you. This is the fastest route to becoming best friends. Dogs are the best company and it’ll be worth the wait, I can assure you.

Two dogs interacting with crouching woman in forest
Bertie (left) and Daisy are electing to approach and interact with me even though they have the whole forest at their disposal. It’s a sure sign they trust me © The Cat and Dog House

5. She solicits games with you

If your dog brings her toys to you to get you to play a game with her or tries to get you to engage in play with light, bouncy movements, a play bow, or excited nipping or barking, you can be sure she sees you as a trusted friend.

Three dogs playing in the grass
Bertie (left) and Daisy (center) are both doing play bows to try to get Louis to play. If your dog invites you to play games with her it’s a sign that she enjoys interacting with you © The Cat and Dog House

6. She comes back when you call her

If your dog comes when you call her, it means she wants to come back to you because you’ve positively reinforced her in the past for doing so and that she trusts you.

I’ve seen people punish their dogs bother verbally and physically for not coming back immediately when they’re called. But all this does is make them not want to come back to you even more. Why would they when they’re just going to get yelled at, or worse?

This is nothing to do with “bad behavior,” a lack of respect, or the dog “being dominant” and all to do with exciting stimuli and distractions in the dog park or the environment at large. And a lack of training.

In case you’re wondering, well-known trainer Emily Larlham explains how to train a reliable recall in this video:

7. She sleeps near you

Dogs are social creatures and will often like to sleep in a prime spot like on the bed or sofa next to you. Sleeping near someone also indicates a deep level of comfort and relaxation, so this is another good sign that your dog trusts you completely.

Again, nothing to do with not respecting you and everything to do with wanting to be near you and share your personal space.

8. She pays attention to what you say

Dogs are very attuned to the tone of our voice, and they can usually tell when we’re happy, sad, or angry. If your dog pays attention when you talk to her, it’s a sign you’ve built up a good rapport and collaboration with each other.

Positive reinforcement training is key here, as it’s the best way to help your dog learn what you’re asking of her. Dogs don’t automatically understand human language and it’s our job to teach them the cues we want them to respond to.

In the old days, by the way, people used to talk about obedience training and basic commands. Now we talk about good manners and cues. Just to keep up with the lingo!

In any case, remember to always reward the good behavior, i.e. the behavior you want to see more of, whether that’s waiting at the front door, peeing outside (as opposed to in the house), waiting politely when you put down her food dish or lying calmly in her bed.

You can use a clicker or the word “yes” or “good” to mark the desired behavior, then quickly deliver the treat.

This video from Karen Pryor Clicker Training explains how this works:

How to build trust with your dog

Dogs need to feel secure in their environment in order to feel comfortable and safe. Establishing trust with your dog is essential to having a happy and healthy relationship.

There are a few key things you can do to build trust with your furry friend:

  • Spend time together: Get to know your dog and get to know each other. Take walks together, play games together, and just enjoy plenty of time hanging out together.
  • Be consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to building trust with your pup. If you are inconsistent with your cues or expectations, your dog will not know what to expect from you and will find it harder to trust you.
  • Be kind: Dogs respond well to gentle treatment. Avoid using harsh words or physical punishment as this will only damage the trust between you and your dog.
  • Be patient: Trust takes time to build, so be patient with your dog while she’s learning.

Things to avoid if you want to build trust with your dog

There are a few important things you should avoid doing if you want your dog to trust you:

  • Don’t be unpredictable: As with consistency, predictability is also important when it comes to building trust with your dog. If you are constantly changing up your routine or acting erratically, your dog will not be able to trust you.
  • Don’t mistreat your dog: This should go without saying, but mistreating or punishing your dog in any way will damage the trust between you and will make it very difficult for her to ever trust you again.
  • Don’t shout: Don’t scare her by yelling at her or scolding her when she gets something wrong. Instead, teach her what you want her to do by using positive reinforcement.
  • Don’t push: Don’t try to maneuver her around by physical force or coercion. If you do this and your dog growls at you, take it for the helpful warning sign it is and don’t push your luck.

What should I do if my dog doesn’t trust me?

  • Give her time: As mentioned before, trust takes time to build so if your dog is still getting used to you it may just take some time.
  • Be patient and understanding: Building trust with your dog is not always a quick and easy task. Getting frustrated will only make the situation worse so take a deep breath and allow yourself to be guided by the dog’s timeline and respect what she’s ready for. There’s no rush and you’ll get there in the end.
  • Better communication: Understand that “when your dog doesn’t do something you ask her to do, it’s because something is interfering with her ability to do so – she may be stressed, distracted, in pain, or simply hasn’t learned the behavior as well as you thought.” (Miller, 2022).
  • Talk to a professional: If you’re struggling to build trust with your dog, it may be helpful to talk to a professional trainer or behavior consultant who can help you troubleshoot the issue.

Final thoughts

Dominance isn’t really a thing in the dog-human relationship, so there’s no need to go around trying to establish yourself as the “alpha.” Dogs just want what they want and need what they need, and they’ll do whatever they can to achieve that. Respect doesn’t even come into it.

In the end, what counts is that you have a good relationship with your dog built on trust.

You can achieve this by using positive reinforcement training methods and taking the time to understand your dog’s individual needs and personality.

You’ll be much more likely to get the behavior you desire from your pup and be able to build up a strong bond via a relationship of collaboration, trust, and mutual respect.

Separation Anxiety Specialists

*These are my personal recommendations for specialized separation anxiety trainers. Even better, they all do online consults so geography doesn’t matter!

Resources

NEED A DOG TRAINER OR BEHAVIOR EXPERT?

If you need more help dealing with a training or behavior issue, please find professional help from a force-free dog trainer who can consult with you either in person or remotely.

GOOD PLACES TO START ARE:
- COAPE Association of Pet Behaviourists and Trainers
- Pet Dog Trainers of Europe
- International Companion Animal Network
- Institute of Modern Dog Trainers
- Pet Professional Guild 

All dog owners deserve to have successful relationships with their canine companions!