White, tabby and ginger cat lying on sand looking u at camera

15 Tips On How To Get A Cat To Trust You

Cats always seem to gravitate toward the one person in a room who doesn’t like them. Why is that?

You’ll often see cats avoiding the people who do like them (they’re the ones looking at them, trying to attract their attention and get them to come over) because it’s just all too much.

Perhaps ironically, the one person they feel safe with is typically the person who’s ignoring them!

When you look at it like that, it’s kitty logic 101. But if baby talk and kissy sounds are off-limits, how do you become your cat’s new BFF?

In this article, I’ll cover 15 tips on how to build up your cat’s trust. Keep in mind that every cat is different, so not all of them will work for every cat.

But if you use them as a starting point, you’ll be well on your way to establishing a trusting relationship with your kitty.

#1. Set up a safe space

First of all, make sure your cat has a safe space to hang out in or retreat to whenever she wants some alone time. A cat cave if you will.

This could be a quiet place or a secluded room where she can go when she feels stressed or overwhelmed.

Everything kitty needs should be in her safe room, including cat food, fresh water, a litter box, a scratching post, a hiding place (a cardboard box is ideal), and toys. Ideally, the space should be off-limits to other pets or children.

This will give your new cat the security she needs to feel safe and comfortable in her new home. As long as she feels safe she’ll be able to relax.

From there you have a great starting point to build up her trust in you.

Tabby cat sleeping in cat house
Cats love boxes and it’s known that hiding helps reduce their stress levels © The Cat and Dog House

#2. Ignore your cat

Yes, you read that right, just ignore her! Remember the kitty who makes a beeline for the one person who doesn’t want to interact with her? You can use that to help her learn to trust you.

So rather than make a big fuss of her, trying to pet, cuddle and pick her up, you can give her control. How? By letting her make her own choices about whether or not she wants to interact with you.

By putting the ball in her court, you can help her learn you’re never going to force her to do anything that makes her feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

At the same time, you can avoid creating feelings of fear and distrust.

While this might be a bit frustrating in the short term and you just want to give her a big old cuddle, it’ll be worth it in the long run because you’ll be able to gain her trust more quickly.

She may never enjoy a bear hug though!

#3. Let your cat sniff you

Letting your cat sniff you is a great way for her to get to know you. Cats have a keen sense of smell, and they use it to learn about their environment and the people and animals around them.

When you let your cat sniff you, you’re giving her a chance to choose if and when she wants to approach you. She’ll also get to know your scent.

All you have to do is stay still and let her approach if she wants to. If she does, let her sniff away. If she rubs her head against you you’ll know you’ve turned the corner.

When a cat rubs her head or face against something, she spreads cat pheromones from the scent glands on her cheeks, chin, and lips. Pheromones are chemical substances that transmit information to other cats.

So when a cat rubs her head against her human(s), she’s actually depositing pheromones. If this happens, consider yourself lucky. It’s a friendly gesture and a sign of bonding.

#4. Let your cat initiate interactions

I’ve already touched on this but will say it again, as it’s really important.

Let your cat make the first move. By empowering animals to make their own choices we can give them autonomy and control, which helps them feel safe and secure.

So wait for your kitty to come to you or indicate that she wants attention before you reach out and pet her.

This will also help avoid creating negative associations with your touch while you build up trust based on her positive experience.

Rentfro (2012) conducted an extensive study of four feral kittens that were “deemed unadoptable” and trained them both to approach her and to enjoy petting.

She used a brush as a target for the kittens to approach her, with brushing the consequence (i.e. something enjoyable and rewarding aka positive reinforcement) for doing so.

She then used shaping to train the kittens to accept petting in place of brushing. Gradually, she faded out the brush and replaced it with her hands and fingertips.

Shaping is a process used in animal training whereby you teach a behavior in gradual steps to get to your goal behavior. In this case, the goal was for the kittens to seek out and enjoy being petted. And it was successful.

The “unadoptable” kittens all ended up being adopted. Not so unadoptable after all then!

So this is also something you can try. Just make sure you build it up gradually and go at your cat’s pace.

White and tabby cat sleeping on woman
Rainbow is making it pretty clear here that she trusts me. Who’d have thought she was a rescue cat from the street? © The Cat and Dog House

#5. Don’t pick up your cat

A lot of cats don’t really like being picked up as it makes them feel unstable and unsafe – especially if they don’t know or trust the person.

Out of our current six cats, there are only two that actively enjoy being picked up and petted, and I always make sure to use one of my hands as a “platform” for their back feet to rest on so they have a secure base.

As soon as they show the slightest sign of wanting to get down, such as fidgeting or tail flicking, I let them jump down. That way they get to control the interaction and their trust in me is maintained.

If you don’t respect your cat’s signals, you may end up getting scratched or bitten. And no one wants that.

Oh, and if you do want your cat to enjoy being picked up, here’s a video that shows you how to train him. Full disclosure – I’ve never tried this!

#6. Use a “consent test”

A consent test is a great way of asking an animal for a “yes” or “no” answer to a question.

For example, if you hold your hand out and your cat rubs her head against it, that’s a “yes please, I do want to be petted.”

But if you stick your hand out and she ignores it and doesn’t approach, then that’s a “no thank you very much, I don’t want to be petted right now.”

And if she looks at your hand like she may be thinking about it, but doesn’t approach, that’s a “Hmmm, I’m not really sure, maybe I will, maybe I won’t.”

Conflicted behavior like this is still a “no” and we should respect it as such. This is known as an “approach-avoid conflict” – i.e. the cat wants to approach but is also reluctant or scared to do so.

We want to try to avoid creating conflicted emotions wherever possible. This is all about positive associations and building trust.

By using consent testing you can also gauge your cat’s preferred spots for petting, and how long she likes to be petted.

#7. Learn where your cat prefers to be petted

Cats commonly enjoy petting in areas where they have scent glands, such as:

  • On the lips and chin (perioral gland)
  • Between the eyes and ears (temporal gland)
  • At the base of the tail (caudal gland)

Individual cats will have individual preferences and you can use consent testing to figure out your cat’s preferred spots for petting, and how long she enjoys it for (not to be confused with tolerating it!).

It’s always best to stop while the going’s good before you see any signs she’s getting irritated.

When this happens, her “yes” is becoming a “no” and it’s time for a break. She’ll most likely come back later on her own terms.

Tabby cat with one paw stretched toward camera
Cats have individual preferences where they like to be petted and for how long © The Cat and Dog House

#8. Learn to read your cat’s body language

The ability to read your cat’s body language and facial expressions is also really important for building trust.

Some signs that a cat may not be comfortable or is fearful include:

On the other hand, signs that a cat is feeling happy and content include:

  • Relaxed tail position, possibly with gentle twitching at the tip
  • Ears upright and facing forward
  • Soft eyes and facial expression
  • Slow blinking
  • Rubbing or head-butting
  • Purring

By learning to read these signs, you can interact with your cat in a way that builds trust and strengthens your bond.

Sometimes it’s easier to see something in action rather than read about it.

In which case, Fear Free Happy Homes has a great little video that showcases just about everything you need to know about feline body language:

#9. Speak your cat’s language

Cats use the “slow blink” to communicate to other cats that they’re not a threat or to indicate trust.

We can use this to our advantage by doing the same thing. So if your cat’s sitting somewhere nearby and looks your way, slowly close your eyes and open them again.

Do this a few times and see if she does it back. If she does, keep your eyes closed a bit longer, or keep them half closed.

I have found this to be very effective, especially with cats who are fearful of humans.

Note too that direct eye contact may be considered hostile, so soft eye contact/soft blinking can be a great way to help put your cat at ease.

Another tactic I have used with cats who want to interact but are a little fearful of human hands is to get down to the cat’s level and let them rub their head against mine. A mutual head butt so to speak.

This way we can bond through scent exchange but without a nervous cat feeling stressed out by the touch of a human hand.

Our shy cat Raven used to do this at the vet. I’d kneel on the floor while she was up on the examination table and we’d rub heads while the vet did her thing. Worked like a charm.

We can use signals like this to communicate with our cats in a way that they understand.

Silver gray cat lying on cat shelf
Cats use slow blinking and narrowed eyes as a way to tell other cats they’re not a threat and we can communicate with our cats in the same way © The Cat and Dog House

#10. Keep interactions short and positive

It’s always best to end on a high note. This means stopping any interactions before your cat gets to the point where she’s had enough or starts to feel vulnerable or scared.

This is why learning to read her body language is so important. By understanding her signals and keeping her under threshold (i.e. she stays in her comfort zone, at a low level of emotional arousal), she will quickly learn to feel comfortable in your presence.

Additionally, letting your cat control when your interactions end is a sure way of gaining her trust.

So if she wants to walk off while you’re petting her, is no longer interested in playing, or has had enough with all the physical contact and wants to jump down when she’s on your lap, that’s her prerogative.

Respect her wishes and she’ll learn that she’s safe with you.

Short, positive interactions will also prevent frustration for your cat which can lead to aggressive behavior.

#11. Keep it calm

Talk to your cat in a quiet voice and try to keep the surrounding environment calm and relatively quiet too.

For example, some cats may find barking dogs or noisy children stressful. The same goes for loud noises such as the vacuum cleaner or lawn mower.

Try to avoid making any sudden movements that might scare her.

Creating a calm environment and avoiding stressful situations will help your cat feel safe and ultimately lead to her trusting you more.

You can also use an artificial pheromone such as Feliway or Rescue® Pet, or some music to reduce stress.

Classical music or calming cat music such as Through a Cat’s ear can be particularly effective. Not all cats will enjoy this though, so make sure your kitty has the option to move away if she wants to.

#12. Use play to bond with your cat

Interactive play sessions are a great way to bond with your cat, as well as provide mental and physical stimulation.

They’re also a fantastic way for kitty to burn off excess energy and keep her brain engaged so she’s less likely to engage in problem behaviors like scratching the furniture or peeing outside the litter box.

Make sure you have a variety of toys for different types of play and swap them out regularly. Rotating toys can prevent boredom.

Playing with your cat not only strengthens the bond between you but also helps build your cat’s confidence and elevate her mood state.

“PLAY* has a tremendous effect on the brain: about one-third of the identified genes of the cortex are rapidly affected by PLAY,” explains animal behavior expert Dr. Karolina Westlund. “But it’s a fragile phenomenon: hungry, scared or angry animals won’t play.”

PLAY also buffers against stress and may help animals recover from an impoverished early environment, says Dr. Westlund. And “being in a PLAYful state may help prevent the animal from going into FEAR.”

So grab that feather wand toy or furry mouse and have some fun! Your kitty will thank you for it.

In this video, you’d never guess that the cat on the left, Jethro, is fearful of humans. Having his BFF Magnus there with him gives him confidence and in his playful state, he’s temporarily “forgotten” that he’s scared of me:

Play provides both physical and mental stimulation and is a great way to elevate your cat’s mood state and build up their trust © The Cat and Dog House

Note: A lot of people like to use laser pointers but if you do so, make sure you allow your cat to “catch” something from time to time, so she can end her predatory sequence and not end up feeling frustrated.

An easy way to do this is to throw down a furry toy mouse for her to grab when she’s pouncing on that little red dot.

#13. Environmental enrichment

It’s best to set up your cat’s environment in a way that will make her feel secure and comfortable, with plenty of hiding spots and vertical space for climbing.

Kitty will also need access to multiple resources, including different food and water stations, litter trays (rule of thumb is one per cat, plus an extra one – you can also try different cat litters to see which she prefers), scratching posts, and places to rest and sleep.

Ensure these resources are spread out throughout the home so she has options and control over her environment, as well as a way to escape if she feels overwhelmed.

Cats are natural hunters, so providing your feline friend with enriching activities can not only keep her entertained but also satisfy her instinctual needs. I touched on this already in #10 but some more ideas for enrichment include:

  • Food puzzles or treat dispensing toys.
  • Scratching posts at a variety of angles (vertical/horizontal/diagonal) and with a variety of surfaces (sisal/carpet/cardboard).
  • Cat trees or perches for climbing and lounging – adding vertical space is an easy way to increase your cat’s territory.
  • Window seats with a view for bird watching.
  • Hiding tasty treats around the house for kitty to find.
  • Cat grass or a small indoor garden.
  • Exploring the outdoors safely with a cat enclosure or leash and harness.
  • Clicker training.

I know what you’re saying but yes, cats can be trained!

Here’s a great little video explaining how to get started. Once you get going, there’s no end to the fun you can have with your cat.

Not to mention, by using positive reinforcement this way (i.e. offering treats or praise when your cat displays behavior you want to encourage) is another great way to strengthen the bond between you.

By providing enrichment like this, your cat will have a happier and more fulfilled life. The more she uses her thinking brain, the more inhibited her emotional brain will be, meaning she’ll be calmer and more relaxed overall.

#14. Routine

Establish a daily routine for feeding, attention, and a play session (or several) to provide structure and consistency. This can also help prevent problem behaviors because if your cat knows what’s coming at any given time, she doesn’t need to stress over it.

In addition to regular meal times, consider offering smaller meals throughout the day to mimic a more natural hunting and eating pattern for cats.

Make sure to set aside a few minutes each day for cuddle time or petting, giving your cat attention and affection. On her terms, of course!

#15. Time and patience

Give it time – building trust takes patience. It’s hard to say how much time it will take but it’s probably best not to expect immediate results. Don’t give up though, you’ll get there in the end.

Remember too, all cats are individuals with their own preferences and personality quirks – it’s also about finding what will work for your cat and creating a positive environment for her to thrive in.

The more good experiences she has in her new environment and the more she learns that you are associated with good things happening, the more she’ll leave her fearful behavior behind and become your true BFF.

Final thoughts

Cats are complex creatures who often form close attachments to their people.

Some cats are “friendlier” than others, which is often based on how much handling and human contact they had as kittens.

Either way, if you want to develop a trusting, close relationship with your cat, it can take time, patience, and understanding. But it is so worth it when your kitty finally purrs and curls up on your lap!

*PLAY belongs to the seven “core emotional feelings” or “brain systems” as described by neuroscientist and psychobiologist Jaak Panksepp. The other six are LUST, GRIEF, FEAR, SEEKING, RAGE and CARE. Panksepp capitalized them to differentiate them from the regular use of the same words.

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Resources

NEED HELP FROM A CAT BEHAVIOR SPECIALIST?

If you need more help dealing with a training or behavior issue, please find professional help from a certified feline behavior consultant. They will be able to offer you tailored advice for your cat(s) and situation.

Good places to start are:
- International Association of Animal Behavior Consultants
- COAPE Association of Pet Behaviourists and Trainers
- American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior